A Recent Letter

Hi there, I found your blog last night as I was googling what gifts to give homeless people. There is a sweet homeless man in my neighborhood (NYC) in the same spot everyday which is in front of a corner deli. He never asks for money, he just stands in one place with his radio next to him and looks at people passing. For some reason, I have never given him anything. It's almost as if I just acted like he didn't exist. Last night, I don't know what happened..I was on my way home from buying a small Christmas tree at rite aid and as I passed him, something just hit me. I knew once I dropped my Christmas tree off in my apartment I had to go back. I would go down to the deli and get some turkey, which I needed anyways, and give him a few bucks. When I went back down there, he wasn't in his spot, so I walked into the deli and there he was, buying one lottery ticket, one thing of ramen noodles, and a box of crackers. He seemed so sweet, I started to cry a little bit inside of the deli. The man behind the counter poured hot water into his ramen noodles and put a spoon in them, and the homeless man had his bag of crackers and his noodles, and walked out of the deli. I started to feel anxious as he left because the deli man was taking so long to get my turkey, and I had no idea where the man was going to go. I HAD to give him this money tonight. When i finally paid, I hurried out of the deli and walked a whole avenue and couldn't find him a nywhere. At this time I had decided to give him $10 (that's a lot for me, I don't have a lot of spare money). I started to walk back the way I had come and as I passed a restaurant right next to the deli, there he was, alone sitting in a booth. The restaurant was completely empty except for him. I walked in and said "well hey there, I was looking for you, I wanted to give you this", and I held out my hand. He looked up at me and took the money and held his head down and said "thank you". I said "You have a good night, ok?" and he still looked down and said "ok", and put the money in his pocket.

Is it possible that he was ashamed? I had smiled to him before and he had always smiled back at me. In fact I smile at him everytime I pass him. But last night, when I have him the money he did not want to look at me. It made me feel very sad, as if what I had just done had made him feel worse. I just wondered what your insight on this was. And also, I want to get him something for Christmas, and I want to wrap it and put a bow on it. Should I get him a nice down coat, and gloves? Should I ask him what he wants for Christmas? I have cried several times since last night thinking about him standing outside in the freezing cold. Where does he go at night? Does he want help, or is this an easy life for him?

It's amazing that I can actually correspond with you by email. You sound20very educated and thought you might have some insight for me on what I can do to help this man. Thank you very much and GOD BLESS YOU!

My Reply:
Ok, I'll give you my slant on his embarrassment. Most of the time people have nothing nice to say to homeless people. The comments homeless people hear are often negative, degrading, and offensive. And this causes homeless people to feel even more worthless, and unworthy of people's consideration, than they would for just being homeless. And the gift, and the accepting of the gift, is an admitting to the homelessness. It's one thing to know you have a problem, it's another thing to admit you have a problem, especially to a stranger.

I guess the best way to overcome this, (it comes to me as I write this) is to remove the "stranger" aspect. Be more than just a smile that passes, become his friend. Instead of giving him some elaborate gift, give him some more practical things, small things would be good. Gloves, knit cap, scarf, woolly socks. Instead of buying him/her an expensive jacket, get one at a thrift store. And with money that you save, take him to lunch once a week, or so, and spend time together and use that time to become friends.

Thanks for writing,
Kevin