My life is certainly most extraordinary - extraordinary in the level of failure, lose and inability.
I know that it's brought about by my anxieties, depression, history of psychological abuse as a child, etc. But it gets old after a while. I have tried, again and again, to find some kind of normalcy for my life. And every single time I try, I fail. And I have tried more things more times than I can recall. And what do I have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. I have no family. I have no friends. Sure, I have some acquaintances, but those relationships are all very superficial.
Even this latest attempt, with my case manager negotiating on my behalf, has failed. I'm tired of it. Really, I'm so tired. I so want to die. But if I tried suicide, I'm sure I'd fail at that too - just as I have in the past.
I am unable to make a life for myself. I am unable to earn a living. At the age of 47 I lack the skills necessary for these things. And it's even worse that I am so very much aware of this, and how others perceive me for this. People never fail to tell me how much they hate me. People never fail to tell me how much of a failure and screw up I am, although I know better than they just to what extent I am worthless.
I will be homeless again, soon enough. And I will be homeless the rest of my life. Feel free to kick me while I'm down. I won't be getting up. Make me against the law. Harass me while I sit in the park. Kick me out of the library for falling asleep while reading a book. Make sure that only the least nutritious food is available to me. Tell me every single night that my homeless condition is do to my sin, (as if people with homes sin less than homeless people).
It's all over. I'm done. The End.
Friday, December 26, 2008
An Extraordinary Life
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Thank God, Save us the misery and end everything. We are all tired of your constant bitching and complaining. I get so tired of people like you who want to take advantage of other people. I want some excitement in my life, please take a old rusty butter knife and quickly kill yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour nothing but another pathetic, worthless homeless person that causes more grief among society than good.
These creeps like WOODFIN seem to pop out from the woodwork at the opportune time. One day, the asswipe may suffer a similar fate (which is not unlikely in these times), then let us see how well he/she fares in the survival game.
ReplyDelete--Monk
Hang on there, Kevin. Jesus was homeless too. First of all, homelessness is not a measure of who you are. If it were, Jesus would be a loser.
ReplyDeleteI have an idea. It sounds to me as if you feel that you are all alone. Besides having 57 followers of your blog, there are millions of people who are homeless in this country right now. There is an opportunity here that can be tapped into that can lift you out of homelessness and many others at the same time.
Remember when I was setting up a business that would liquidate donations of boats and cars to homeless charities? Well, we finally got our first donation to the local soup kitchen that I have worked with for many years; a 27 foot cabin cruiser. I have two other donations in the pipeline for pickup this week. The deal is that I sell the boat in a short period of time, and take 40% to cover my costs. The soup kitchen gets 60% of the sale that I generated by soliciting the donations on Craigslist and other venues. A conservative sale on this boat would be $8,000 which means $4,800 to help the homeless and $3,200 to help my brother and I. The open door here is that people are desperate to get rid of those things that make no sense any more, like boats. My goal is to create an entire after-market industry of unwanted valuables that can be converted to cash to help support welfare to the homeless and poor.
Email me at jjordan@christian.com with a phone number I can reach you at. I really think you're ultimate ticket out of homelessness is to benefit from being homeless. I can help you set up a near-zero overhead business liquidating donations to help the poor. And no, I am not interested in making money from you. With the Internet, it's just so easy. Email me please.
God bless you and never lose hope.
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ReplyDeleteI read you blog.
ReplyDeleteYour perspective is not important. It is paramount.
The roots of your past worldly failures will be pulled up with you as you rise in worldly success.
With the same plant, in different soil our failure becomes success.
Our father, he knows our deepest need. Ask him.
Do not leave the game. We need you. We need you healthy and in a home.
Your perspective is not important. It is paramount.
I tried to log into pay pal but I couldn't. I wanted to make a donation for all the times I have visited and read this blog but I can't. Anyone, suggestions?
ReplyDeleteI don't use pay pal often.
Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYou were blogging before I got involved with blogging in 2004 when my family entered into a different phase of the cycle of homelessness.
This isn't the end for you.
I'm saying this as a peer with a mental disorder, who wasn't able to break either the cycle of homelessness or my disorder.
Tell your case manager your thoughts of suicide. If you don't, you're either uptalking the subject and won't or you might possibly do it.
Homelessness wasn't my problem. My disorder was. I got lucky and dealt with my disorder, and I was able to break out of the homeless cycle.
While it's possible I could return again to homelessness, I'll have a better chance of stability than the two years...that was a cycle episode OVER two years ago.
You and I may be different ages, but you can't BS another BSer.
If it sucks thinking about in patient treatment, what have you got to lose? Not your life.
The way you blogged on this entry...that's another story.
Best,
Someone who believes you can do what you need to this close to the precipice.
Satan urged me to talk and think about myself in that manner over a large portion of my life. My problem was that it took me a very long time to understand that it was Satan. That view of self is not what God intended for us. How can we hate ourselves when He who created us loves us so much?
ReplyDeleteYou have too much insight to offer those who are blind to the suffering of all those in your position.
Don't allow Satan to keep you from loving yourself as God loves you or keep you from what He has set aside for those who love themselves and others.(That goes for WOODFIN as well)
Reading your blog over the years I have learned many things I didn't know (and thank God I didn't have to learn first-hand).
ReplyDeleteYour writings have helped me look at the homeless in a whole different light. I now carry bags of toiletry items in my car and hand them out whenever I can. I know it's not much, but I try to share when and what I can.
Because of your so-called 'failure', many others have benefitted. I wouldn't call that a failure!
Kevin, I have no other words then to say that I know you (maybe superficially), but I know you well enough to know that you are a good person. Please get some help. Please don't say goodbye. I wish you all the best and have nothing but good thoughts coming your way.
ReplyDelete- Leanne
I want you to be okay. I want good things for you. Maybe baby steps? I can't imagine going back to work so I can understand you on that point.
ReplyDeleteu state u know what skills u lack, ergo u can't intellectually claim u don't know what those skills r , so it's just a matter of practicing them & making them emotionally feel right for u. TAKE CARE OF URSELF! calm down , dial 911 & tell the operator what u have written in ur latest post.help is available & it's FREE.If any1 nos where kevin is , call & have the cops check up on him asap! be a friend instead of an enabler.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteIt seems, from what the others are saying, that you have been blogging about your homelessness for years.
Do you want to end it? Do you want help?
I don't have a blogger account, but my e-mail is agrin1369@yahoo.com if you want to reply to me, or want someone to talk to?
I've been struggling since this was posted to find something to say to you that will bring you hope and peace. I'm afraid that anything I say will be cliche. Such as to tell you to pull up your bootstraps and carry on, but I know, as someone who likewise struggles with depression, I know how easy it is for others to talk the walk.
ReplyDeleteWalking it is an entirely different story.
I've been in this very dark place, as you are now, on several different occasions but I've never shared it with anyone. Something, someone, is telling me to share it now, with you.
Not long after my second child was born something inside me changed. Feelings came to the surface that I hadn't felt in years, painful, dark, horrible feelings of hopelessness. I went through this dark period when I was a teenager, through another spell as a young adult, and here I was, in my early thirties on the cusp of the worse darkness I'd ever experienced.
On this third dark spiral I sat in the shower, with a razor in hand and was right there, on the verge of ending it all. That was it. I'd had enough. I couldn't deal with the blackness that swept over me any longer. For people who've never experienced this kind of darkness, there's no way for them to understand. They immediately think of us as weak. It isn't weakness, or selfishness. It is darkness. Suffocating darkness. I was in that black hole and there was no light. None. No one knew what I was going through, not my spouse, my parents, or what few friends I have, no one. I sat there, prepared and very much alone.
There was no voice, there was no sudden light, there wasn't anyone walking into the bathroom in mistake. It was just me and wanting to be done with it all already.
There was no miracle, Kevin. I sat shaking and sobbing so hard, wanting, begging, for some sort of miracle. Anything, something, someone to save me from myself. There was nothing.
It was that nothing that made me stop. It was that realization that I was really in this alone. There would be no white knight, no word from God, nothing.
It was up to me to either make the choice of ending it or slogging my way through the darkness. Hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel, someday, who knows when, but someday.
It was awful, let me tell you. I never felt so alone, so abandoned.
I got out of the shower, got dressed and to this day, other then this posting, have told NO ONE what transpired.
What I'm trying to say is that you will have to be your own miracle. And you can do it. You've been in this dark place before and you've come out the other side much stronger, wiser, and dedicated. Be your own miracle today, Kevin.
I know it's not easy, I still struggle, every day. I've tried numerous things, meds, exercise, herbals. I'm slowly finding my way back to God. The only thing I've not done is reached out to someone. Today I'm reaching out to you. It's a small gesture I realize, I don't know how much peace it will bring you but you can be your own miracle.
I'm days behind in my reading (obviously), but I thought I'd let you know I'm thinking of you, and point out something you probably already know... that the hopelessness you're feeling right now is at least partially because of your major depression, in addition to your circumstance. And yes, the Christmas holiday makes it all worse.
ReplyDeleteSome of us think you're incredibly valuable, and that you're doing fine just as you are, doing the right things, and working towards something better for yourself. Please give yourself the luxury of hope. You've earned it.