Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Heart Breaks Every Time

I was married to Nancy for 6 years. I did everything I could to please her, but it wasn't enough. I don't blame her anymore, as I know how difficult it was for her to live with me. And, I don't blame myself anymore, because now I know that it was Aspergers that caused me to behave in a way that pushed people away from me. She wasn't happy in our marriage and in her own way made herself difficult to get along with too, although just to me. But I wasn't going to let go of her that easily. I could not put it into words at the time, but I knew that without her my life would be over, and I would be homeless again, and alone. And being alone again scared me more than anything. Yet, in the Summer of 1995 she said the one thing that broke the camel's back. "If we could afford to get a divorce, I would divorce you right now," it still echoes in my head today. So, one night at the end of that Summer, I tucked my children into bed, kissed them each on the forehead, told them I loved them, then waited till everyone was asleep. I wrote a "Dear Nancy" letter, taped it to the lampshade in the living room, then quietly walked out to my car and drove away.

On December 15th 1995 Nancy and I went before a judge and made our divorce final. I tried as best I could to keep it together. I got my old job back, found myself an apartment, but in a short amount of time I was homeless again, back to living at the rescue mission.

That was such a long time ago, but it might as well have been yesterday. Cam was 6 years old, Sara was 3. Cam is now living on his own, and Sara will soon graduate high school.

Sara recently friended me on Facebook, and the first thing I did was to look at all the pictures she has posted. The pictures show her growing up, all the growing up that I missed because i wasn't there. Oh, I wanted to be there, but circumstances would not allow it.

And then I saw this picture, and I cried. It is of Cam and Sara closest to the age they were when I left. There is nothing I miss more in this world, than being their Daddy. This is my favorite picture of all, it breaks my heart every time I see it.