It's funny how you can learn new things about yourself and your childhood, even at the age of 50.
Understanding certain things about my parents and my childhood has never come easily, as I was raised by my parents to believe that every bad that happened was my own fault. So, I always blamed myself. I lived with a lot of guilt because I thought I was always the guilty one.
It wasn't until my 30's that I was able to admit to myself that maybe my parents were not such great people.
It wasn't until my 40's until I was free enough from them to say to myaelf, "my father was an asshole."
But, it wasn't until last night that I admitted to myself something that should have been obvious all along - that my father was never affectionate towards me. I only remember him once attempting to hug me, and how uncomfortable that was for him. And once, he patted me on the back. That was forced too. The rest of the time he was too busy disapproving the things I did. Did he ever say, "I love you"? He may have, although I don't recall any time that he might have.
It's funny how only now do I understand this.