Sunday, June 15, 2014

Again With The Aspergers Syndrome

It's 7:30pm and I am just now sitting down to write something for today.  The Sun is starting it's final descent into the ocean, and darkness will soon begin creeping up over the land and sky.  It was another extraordinary day, weather wise here and I spent all but a half hour of it inside on my laptop.  That is how I spend all my days, pretty much.  I know it's not good but it's all I've got.   When I do venture out to the beach or other social gathering place, all I see are people gathering and socializing.

The problem is that I don't gather, and I don't socialize.  Now, before you get on your mucky muck horse of petty advice, and tell me that I just need to get out there and give it a try, know that I've been down that road an infinity number of times already, and it just doesn't work for me.   Still, if you paid any attention to what you read on my blog, you'd know that already and I wouldn't have to tell you to bugger off.  That advice goes over like a lead ballon - pretty much like the advice to "just be yourself".  Being myself only gets me in trouble. I'm 53 years old for Christ's sake, and I've been living with me for nearly the entire time.

The problem isn't, and has never been, that I "won't" do it. The problem is that I "can't" do it.  Of course no one wants to hear such a thing, it sounds too much like accepting defeat, and people in this day and age shutter at the thought.  It goes against all the mythology they've developed about themselves, their country, and the world.  It is so anti-capitalism.  And how dare anyone say anything derogatory about capitalism - the greatest invention since usury.

No, the problem is none of that.  It has nothing to do with me lacking discipline or character.  It has to do with the fact that I trapped in Autistic mind.  "On the spectrum," "high functioning," Aspergers Syndrome.

Of course what I find most perplexing, of all the perplexing things about my life, is that this revelation is meaningless to most people.  All those people who were put off by my behavior, were offended by the things I said, they are not now returning to say, "Oh, I get it now, lets' give it another try".  Naw, instead they hold on to those feelings of indignation.  All the people I ever tried to have meaningful relationships with, they seem to prefer to keep the severed ties severed.  They don't want to consider me in light of this new information.

My life has no people in it.  And it's like dying.   I imagine only other Aspies would get it.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Kevin! I'm a fan of your blog and a gal trying to do my part in helping the homeless. I was hoping you could send me your email address so we could talk a bit. Look forward to hearing from yo

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  2. ...Have U ever tried the Aspie Web board Wrong Planet , Kev ?

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  3. You're right that only other aspies would get it... I have learnt to not even bother trying to explain or defend myself, the second I realize the person I'm talking with has no capacity to understand,or worse, doesn't want to understand, I change the subject. I am slowly learning that my sensitivity can make me perceive people's words or actions as more negative than they really are, and that even though things people say to 'help' can make me feel even more alone,misunderstood,or worse, those people actually are trying to care or help, but they simply cannot fathom what it's like to be in my shoes.. There are thousands who understand EXACTLY how you feel, trust me. And feelings are hardly ever wrong, despite what society tries to tell us...
    take care

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